This new financial stuff is so cool.

WARNING: My sarcasm light is lit!

I am so glad that our government has taken control of banking so that things are much better for small business owners like Julie and I. The evidence of the crystal clarity and great deals directed at small businesses is arriving in the mail.
Just today I received an exciting offer from TransFirst/On Deck Capital which contains "Unique Solutions to Enhance Your Business". What it boils down to is a business loan - IF I use them for my credit card processing. It is a bundle deal. Because of our excellent credit history and business performance, we have been pre-approved for anywhere from 5,000 to 100,000 bucks.
NO INTEREST - that's right. Interest is a thing of the past. This new, deluxe offer informs me that "the cost of borrowing is referred to as cents on the dollar". That is way, way better than interest, right?
So here is the deal they offered: The cost of borrowing is only 19 to 30 cents on the dollar. Oh - and it is a fixed rate for 6 to 12 months. Oh yeah, on top of the "cents on the dollar" there is a $25 "monthly fee for servicing your account".  Wait, there's more - a 2% origination fee. Did I mention that this great deal on the loan is predicated on our doing a minimum of 40 credit card transactions for at least $10,000 each month.
How cool is that? Man, I am so glad money is freed up for small business owners.
Let us suppose we agree to this madness and borrow 10 grand for a year. How much is it going to cost? Assuming we would not qualify for the best rate (because no one ever does) lets calculate based on the median of the "cents on the dollar" which would be 24.5 cents.

Loan principal                  $10,000.00
2% origination fee                   200.00
Monthly fee x 12                     300.00
24.5 cents on the dollar        2,450.00

Cost of loan                       $2,950.00 which works out to 29.50 "cents on the dollar".

(Shoot, I can get a better deal from the guy with the baseball bat that hangs out down by the river!)

Plus I have to let them have my credit card business. Funny thing - they don't mention their processing rates in the document they sent.
Well, I bet their rates are super low and designed to help my business succeed.
Thank you members of Congress for your gallant action on my behalf.

Hey - call me if this sounds good to you and I will give you the phone number to call.
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