Cliffs Riffs - Stuph n Nonsense

If you find the image above even remotely funny, then we need to have a heart to heart talk (notice how that rhymes with fart to fart? - see how the Universe is calling us to change?) It is estimated that the dog population in the US is at 89.7 million currently. I ask you - of that number how many of Man's Best Friend are catching the blame for the noxious wind passed by the humans with whom they live? My years of research and personal experience clearly indicates that a safe estimate is 67.8% (with a 1.8% margin of error) so MILLIONS of innocent dogs are being blamed and humiliated because we as a species are afraid to own up to our fumes. For me, this issue reared it's ugly hinney with the passing of St Otter (seen above) a few years ago. It is with a heart heavy with regret and shame that I now confess to the hundreds (maybe even into the thousands) of times Julie and I might be enjoying a movie and my cry of "Oh, Otter!!" was nothing more than my vaingl...

Herndon is seen here with two odd looking chickens. After receiving a tip from business person and silly shirt video maker, Cliff Yankovich, Kent County authorities surrounded the house of  Lowell resident Karla Herndon in a pre-dawn raid with the sole mission to shut down her "Majick Chikken Food Laboratory and Chicken Ranch". The 14 member team was armed with a 27 page Cease and Desist Warrant citing among other things; "chicken abuse", "animal cruelty", "sketchy science", "practicing hoo-doo without a license". Herndon, a long time Lowell resident, is generally considered to be a kind and considerate person by neighbors who were shocked when the conditions of the Experimental Chickens were revealed. She was described as "compassionate" and "willing to share a smile or a kind word" by neighbors we interviewed for this almost true story. In what might have been an unintentional slip of the tongue, one neigh...

Aided by a pack of sniffer dogs and supported by weaponized military style transport vehicles, 17 members of the West michigan Task Force Dedicated and United in their Directive to End marijuana sales (aka WTF DUDE) surrounded a building on Main Street in sunny, downtown Lowell with firepower, Taco Bell meals, poorly worded subpoenas, and hand cuffs at the ready. When the WTF team battered down the doors at 208 East Main Street, they were greeted by a reportedly massive grow operation utilizing highly sophisticated warming mats and the latest in indoor lighting technology to maximize growth.  "We walked in on an operation that must have been months in the planning and execution stage," reported Staph Sargent Billy "Much" Adoo. "The growing area occupied an estimated nine square feet and it was a pretty impressive set up for a rural community way, way far away from Grand Rapids and genteel society." With the aid of a small pile of Lowell...

Cliff Yankovich is a partner in Chimera Design along with his wife, Julie Claire DeVoe. Chimera is a mom and pop jewelry store on Main Street in Lowell, Michigan since 2002. Cliff has been a free lance writer since the 1980‘s. His work has appeared in many local, regional, and even a few national publications. Cliff is most proud of bringing home the prestigious “Most Hate Mail Received In A One Year Period” award which was presented to him in 2002 by the editor of The View - a weekly newspaper in which he had a column.   (Who knew the parents selling cookies for their kids had such thin skin?)  This book represents an effort on his part to claw his way back to the pinnacle of those halcyon days. The Pre-Publication Reviews are pouring in: “Any relation to Wierd Al?” The Columbus Receiver “We were expecting more mention of his outstanding work on the accordion.”   Chicago Weakly Thymes “Maybe he should stick to polkas...” Pols...

I was not ALWAYS a trouble maker.  It seemed like my shenanigans were catching up to me. My number was up and the piper was looking for a paycheck. I needed an escape plan. I had to do some kind of end run around the massive opposition gearing up to stop my fun. Said opposition even included plans of incarceration. Juvenile detention? Not me - I was gonna hatch an escape. Stanley and I had been getting pretty stoned on the way to school in the morning. Darn near every morning. Walking a mile and half provided lots of time to smoke and/or gulp down the stuff we were using to make 9th grade more exciting. School was pretty okay when we smoked a joint or two of the ditch weed you could cop on the streets of 1972 era Tucson. Education got flat out weird when we substituted some of the other recreational drugs we were discovering. Imagine my alarm when the equations the algebra teacher was putting up on the black board began to melt - the white chalk letters, symbols, and numb...

Poor, poor Sia. She has been given a wonderful voice, but she will never succeed in America. For me, there exists a parallel between Sia compared to Miley Cyrus and the Muslim faith compared to American Christianity. Our fearless leaders and wanna-be leaders tell us daily that we have got  to stop letting followers of Islam pass our borders. Our biggest collective fear boils down to the fact that they are NOT like us. If you have ever listened to Sia, then you know she has  a wonderful instrument in her voice. But she will never sell herself and her music big time in the US of A because she dresses like a Muslim woman. Here is a picture of her recent appearance on Saturday Night Live - a most excellent opportunity to reach real Americans with her music. Look how she dressed?  Say what?   Sia, honey darling, that is NOT the way to reach America. You wanna hide your face and your body? Get yourself booked on Syria Night Live...

I am the latest in a series of folks being used by The Great Spirit (TGS) to communicate The Message to the inhabitants of Earth. Only some of the Actual History of The Message has been revealed to me - but I will share what I know. I am just a cog in a wheel - the first cog I know about was a silent film star in 1936, then almost two decades later The Message was more fully revealed to a couple of songwriters who convinced a Mega Star to sing it.   Skeptical? Read on, please.     Most of us have seen the pictures of Jesus on a piece of toast - or we hear about it when someone opens a paint can and are starring at the Virgin Mary.       Usually when these things happen, the people to whom they happen take action - they tell the world about how god (aka The Man Upstairs, the Holy Spirit, Allah, etc) has reached out to humanity through their stained ceiling tile or food item.     Some of you may recall ...

Originally published in 2002 in The View (helped me win an award!) Who Is Selling Those Cookies? “Greg – you don’t look like a Girl Scout.”   Does anyone you work with have daughters in the Girl Scouts?   Do you tire of said parents selling you cookies?   Before you former Scouts practice the hatchet toss at my back, let me apply this to parents of band members, drama class divas, track team, yoga squad, or what ever kids group needs to raise cash. Let me further state that 87.9% of the time if an ACTUAL KID asks me to buy his or her candy bar, bumper sticker, box of cookies, pot holder or whatever, then I am a buyer.   The 12.1% who get a “no” tried to sell me something beyond the pale or caught me without any cash.   I DO love buying from kids. I DO NOT appreciate parents doing the job for them.   What are they teaching their children?   “You just stay here in front of the warm monitor honey and daddy will find someone to buy your cook...

Julie and I were invited to a Barn Party last night courtesy of Kirk and Ceil Wieland - they have several horses and a beautiful barn that makes a great location for an end of summer get together. We had only been there a few minutes when a car that looked like the one above pulled by and parked. I am NOT the worlds biggest car geek, but I am fairly accurate at identifying at least the BRAND of car most times even if I do not know the specific model. But I was clueless as to the identity of the cool looking red car. I could see the marque, but was not close enough to read it. A little while later the rain quit and Nick gave us a quick tour of the grounds which meant we walked right by the mystery car. DANG! It is a Tesla. After our tour and introduction to the horses, I grabbed Ceil and asked who owned the red Tesla. I trotted up to the owner, Ed, and introduced myself. Good thing for me that Ed has a lot of experience with people asking he and his wife Susan all abo...

%^&$ing Comcast keeps billing me for equipment I returned months ago, so I decided to have a little fun with Albert with whom I chatted about the problem. Here is the transcript: Session connected! Font Size Transcript Sound user CLIFF has entered room analyst Albert has entered room Albert:  Hello CLIFF_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Albert. Please give me one moment to review your information. Albert:  My pleasure to have you on this chat! I always remain committed and focused to provide you quality customer service at my fullest effort. Please allow me to assist you with your concern for today. I hope you are doing well today. CLIFF_:  My Issue: You are billing me $9.95 for an additional outlet AGAIN. I do not have an additional cable box - I returned it t...